Lately, it feels as if the world is closing in around me. Things seem to be coming in all directions and every time I come up for air I am pushed back under. I do not even talk about most things anymore because it’s simply too much to process. I sit alone with my thoughts waiting for someone to see ME. The real me, the sensitive me, the vulnerable me, the incredibly misunderstood – me. I tend to keep everything inside to the point of becoming physically ill as soon as I try to relax. It is not intentional, or conscious, or healthy, I know.
I try to see the silver lining in things, maybe that’s my distraction from the reality at hand? Maybe that’s my inner Earth Momma that craves peace and harmony, I doubt I’ll ever know. I do know that I overload “my plate” to the point of breaking and struggle day in and day out to achieve the things I need to. I give to the point of having nothing left and yet I can’t imagine not. Whenever someone says I have too much going on in my life and I need to simplify I immediately ask, “tell me how to do it?” How do you pick and choose? Personally, I have always believed that when someone says, “I don’t have time to do that” or “I forgot” is simply a polite way of saying, “it wasn’t important.”
I tirelessly try to do for others as I would hope they would do for me or pass along later to others. I am not perfect, I never will be and I will never aim to be. I do strive to be better than I was the day before. I thoroughly enjoy self-reflection and growth, oddly, I crave it. I have to feel as if I am in motion, not just existing, perhaps that is why I give too much of myself.
Due to my overwhelming sense of feeling like I am losing myself little by little, I have begun calling 2018 my year of cleansing. If it is not good for me, if it does not feel good, if it is not refilling my emotional cup, it must go or they must go. I have to breath; peacefully not anxiously. I need to sleep; comfortably not restlessly. I woke up the other morning and felt this overpowering connection to “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein. One part in particular stood out
“And after a long time the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy, "said the tree, "but I have nothing left to give you — My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak for apple, "said the boy.
"My branches are gone," said the tree. "You cannot swing on them "
"I am too old to swing on branches" said the boy.
"My trunk is gone," said the tree. "You cannot climb"
"I am too tired to climb," said the boy.
"I am sorry" sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something. . . but I have nothing left.
I am just an old stump. I am sorry..."
The tree in the story feels so symbolic to my life, I can’t shake it. The evening before this connection I was exhausted, feeling as if I had given to the point of breaking; completely absent from my own life and emotional needs. I was then told that I have a “polarizing personality” and that “people either love me or hate me.” It was said in a malicious way with the intent to hurt, mission accomplished? I know, I am not always an easy person but I am a good person. Yes, I have a strong personality but I believe it is that characteristic that has allowed me to push through. Regardless, that statement has caused me to reevaluate, step back, and reflect. It was soul crushing, however it is also I reminder that I need to take care of myself. I need to give to myself as I give to others, I am worthy of at least that. Until I do that for me I will be left sitting here, struggling to breath and anxiously working through my life only wanting, hoping that someone sees the real, me. Maybe, this is all part of my 2018 cleansing……(there’s that silver lining). The lesson, take care of yourself. If you don’t, there are no guarantees that someone else will.
And remember; beautiful, strong, amazing things can grow out of the most unsuspecting places.
